i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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