I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
