I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
