Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
