I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
