and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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