nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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