I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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