Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
