i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize