I feel great
I just peed on a car
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Success! We fucked roommates!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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