what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
