Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
