My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Randomize
