Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Terrible idea I love it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
