i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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