Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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