i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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