Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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