I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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