my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
