i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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