just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
this hospital has no fireball
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
