Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
