You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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