My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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