The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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