Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I did not marry a roomba.
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