i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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