I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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