i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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