If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
