it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
