I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
