I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
