Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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