My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
