You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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