Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
