She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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