Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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