I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
