He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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