We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
