I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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