I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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