Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
