why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
