census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
