Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
