then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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