is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
