First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
