the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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