why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
