woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
