She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
